The Paradox of Forgiveness
The kindness power of forgiveness is caring for ourselves. Forgiveness is the hardest and easiest thing: it is as much something we are as something we do. The only thing we need to do is give ourselves permission to be forgiving.
In a rational sense, we had better choose to be forgiving. To choose not to forgive is to choose to cling to thoughts of hatred and revenge. And this choice influences every cell of our body. Negatively charged thoughts affects blood pressure and blood flow to every part of the body. The choice not to forgive brings about ceaseless damage to our body and mind.
What would happen if we awoke up and discovered that instead of recycling the past we have forgiven every injustice. Would it be painful? Most likely not. We would instead breathe a sigh of relief. The atmosphere would be immeasurably happier and lighter. And we might discover for the first time the wonder of living in the present moment instead of constantly investing huge parts of ourselves in recriminations and accusations, reliving events that are long past. All the energy poured into blame, hatred, and prejudice, and revenge would instead circulate freely and available for stalled, pending, and new projects.
Is this actually possible? Well, probably not on a huge scale, but definitely and immediately on a smaller scale. First, we are not condoning bad behavior. And it does not mean we must put out of our mind the harm done to me. We can still keep the harm done to us in mind and be mindful that it does not ever happen again. It is just that we do not need our alarm system forever switched on and our guns always aimed at the enemy. And it behooves us to make peace with the past and finally close some accounts.
The Paradox
The paradox lies in that it is irrational to forgive and close accounts that in no way balance. How can I forgive abuse that has gone on for years such as slander that at least in my mind has ruined my life? How can I possibly do this when it runs contrary to all logic and mathematics.
John Hain : Pixaby Image
And to be truthful if I forgive I might lose my identity – the outrage and indignation that gives me strength and supports my whole personality. This is not an abstraction, this is the great paradox of forgiveness. If we focus on this, forgiveness is simply not possible.
Forgiveness requires a huge amount of trust shift in thinking. Forgiveness is a positive personal quality. Illogical and surprising, it frees us from the chains of resentment and uplifts our spirit. And the bottom line is that forgiveness can be the only remedy for unspeakable suffering. An unforgiving attitude is a life of permanent sullenness and silent protest, and attitude that brings ceaseless damage.
We cannot live a peaceful and even joyful life while we carry the weight of our resentments, guilt, or vindictiveness. It saps all of our energy and creative strength. We can only experience joy when our past no longer dominates us.
Forgiveness May be Impossible
Sometimes forgiveness is impossible. Try as we may, we cannot find it in us to forgive. The offense has been too serious, the hurt too great, and forgiveness seems impossible. We face an intractable paradox. But there is a way out. It is at this point that we need to change our viewpoint. We need to step back and view the situation from another vantage. We need to metaphorically step out of ourselves and try to see the situation from an omniscient, metacognitive point of view. You see everything from a distance, and with a certain detachment. And it looks different to you because you see it in a bigger context and from farther away.
We move to another place inside ourselves to a place we are open and strong. For each of us the process is different. Some of us reach this place through meditation. Others do it with physical activity. Others do it with prayer and reflection. If we can return to our healthy core where there is breathing space, even for a moment, we can see that guilt and resentment are a meaningless waste of time. In this space forgiveness is already there.
I reach this space with Ki Breathing Meditation. When I begin an internal rant I take a few relaxed breaths. Gradually I breathe deeper. I breathe in all the way down to my feet. I know this sounds weird, but that is what it feels like. My feet tingle a little as the blood circulates through my entire body. I breathe all the way out from my feet. This is a metaphoric method of breathing that feels quite literal. When leftovers of the rant begin to emerge, I focus back on my breathing.
When you slip and slide, you keep coming back. Mind-building as with body-building is a life-time endeavor. With body-building, I don’t look anything like a body builder, I just look almost normal. But almost normal is a great leap from people constantly asking me, “Why are you so skinny?” as if I embodied a crime against humanity. So much to work toward forgiveness.
And of course no one says we need to accept the person we forgive or ever see them again. Forgiveness is for our own healing, not something done out of guilt or contrition.
Self-help books that help:
Total Self-Renewal through Attention Therapies and Open Focus
The Open-Focus Brain: Harnessing the Power of Attention to Heal Mind and Body
