Multiple Selves
Multiple Selves
We are not teacher, policewoman, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, queer, straight, male, female, weird, Asian, or Black. We are not protector, contemner, lover, hero, wimp, traitor, harasser, judge, killer, prisoner, geek or tolerant. We are multiple selves.
A young woman posted a blog on a site called Psych Forums. The title of her post was “Some days I feel insane.” She starts off by saying that her Body Dysmorphic Disorder became apparent from puberty, but her gender identity since birth.
She swaps back and forth between genders, injecting herself with testosterone to become more masculine, since her body is normally thin. “As a guy,” her conflict is around her small overall size and her face, neck, eyes, and midsection, which she perceives to be feminine.
When she takes estrogen, her conflict centers around her lean muscular shoulders, toned back, arms and legs, and what she calls pectus excavatum, a slight dip in the chest, causing the rib cage to flare out. She admits her pectus excavatum is very mild, but it is there and that is enough to upset her.
She contemplates surgery to make her body more feminine at times, and surgery to make her body more masculine at other times. Her condition seems to be stable 60-70% of the time and then all of a sudden she is anxious, stressed, depressed, and ambivalent in regards to her appearance and gender. At these times she focuses on her perceived flaws, obsessing, searching the internet to see others with the same problem to try to make herself feel better.
Even people who we think of as not very complicated, in fact are a quite complicated with multiple selves –– selves that are sometimes in great conflict. They become separate entities, selves with their own perspectives, beliefs, feelings, and motivations. Some of these selves cause us shame and pain. Life’s challenge is to bring these separate selves together into a harmonious, compassionate, knowing Self.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) therapy developed by Richard Schwartz has a goal of bringing the separate entities together harmoniously under the conductorship of the Self. Entities, parts, voices, thought patterns, or selves blend into the core Self so you are unable tell the core Self from the selves. Schwatz calls this Blending. To counter Blending, you need to be aware of the selves and their motives. “What we call ‘thinking’ is often our inner dialogues with different parts of us.” Richard Schwartz
Schwartz says, “The internal system of an abuse victim differs from the non-abuse system with regard inconsistent absence of effective leadership . . . . typically, the parts operate around outdated assumptions and beliefs derived from the childhood abuse.”
The mindful Self can reorganize the entities into harmonious coexistence. The Self is like an orchestra conductor who helps the parts function harmoniously as a symphony. “IFS is more than a therapeutic technique. It is a conceptual framework and practice for developing love for ourselves and each other.”
IFS involves becoming acquainted with our separate entities, the abandoned child, mocking parent, aging fat woman, feminine man, harsh critic, inner defender. Therapy involves a dialog with these separate parts or selves. We call on the Self, rather than the therapist, to bring these selves together harmoniously.
So IFS works well as Self-therapy. Jay Earley wrote a book on self-therapy with IFS called “Self-Therapy.”
Because therapy with a therapist is time-consuming and costly, self-therapy may be a better option. Some people find it difficult to relate to and trust a therapist. And therapists, partly to satisfy insurance companies, pathologize clients, turning them into diseased patients. Rather than sick, some of our selves have been hurt, are in pain, and locked in battles.
The young woman on Psych Blog sees her two selves and questions them to find out what they each are about. She does not need to literally ask questions, but she needs to find out about why the two sides feel the way they do. Are they trying to protect her? She will ask, “Why don’t you want me to be feminine (or masculine)? Or Why do you want me to be more feminine or masculine?” Maybe it has to do with trauma as a very young girl. Maybe she was assaulted or teased. Maybe each self is trying to protect her in its own way. In this way she can develop a caring, accepting,even loving relationship with each part and understand where they are coming from.
This will allow her compassionate and knowing core Self to rescript, accepting her body unconditionally. Preconditions on accepting herself sabotages a life of harmony and condemns her to a vacillating life on a seesaw. Accepting herself unconditionally as she is, straight, bi, lesbian, etc. offers a harmonious life with less conflict.
We Have a Choice
We can accept ourselves with preconditions. For example, “You accept yourself when you are in good shape physically and mentally.” That means during the years it takes to get in shape you do not accept yourself.
Or you can accept yourself unconditionally. “I accept myself as I am without preconditions.” It makes more sense to accept yourself unconditionally, since you are the decider and have the choice. Why decide to accept yourself conditionally and be miserable until these conditions are met?
I often learn to accept myself and other people through Biblotherapy, fiction and nonfiction. In characters I see parts of myself and others. With each novel I learn both very small and sometimes life-changing ways of thinking. Gradually I changed both my outlook and behavior to my liking.
Therapies are not cast in stone. Combine, recombine, make your own.
Self-help books that help:
Total Self-Renewal through Attention Therapies and Open Focus
The Open-Focus Brain: Harnessing the Power of Attention to Heal Mind and Body
