Self-CARE In An Irrational World

Care and Grief

The bond is formed from the start, when infants are totally helpless, dependent for their life on their mothers and fathers, mostly their mothers, completely alone with no one to turn to. They cry to arouse the protective and nurturing protection of their parents. When parents hear the crying of their infants, the separation-distress regions of their brains light up. Mothers are usually more responsive than fathers. In fact, research studies show that mothers may experience the distress of their infants directly within the affect system in their own brain.

GRIEF arousal activates maternal nurturance or CARE. The distressed, emotionally-charged crying infant and grief-stricken mother bond in primal empathy. CARE inhibits GRIEF. The primal roots of human empathy begin in the primal CARE and GRIEF networks of the brain. In his basic lab studies, Jaak Panksepp found that empathy would not develop without the foundations of maternal CARE and the psychic pain of GRIEF.

Heavy stuff, but good for both mother and infant. The mother-infant bond effects the child all the way on through adulthood. A secure attachment at this early age is the bond of life. Not only for the child. This bond has a lasting effect on the mother as well. But if the mother does not respond to the infant or responds uncaringly, it can affect a life of disaster.

Bibliotherapy

Bibliotherapy

I would not relive my life. That would be a sentence in hell. I somehow managed to climb up out of that inferno. It was that bad. But that makes this life at my computer with a cup of coffee gold. Bibliotherapy, the research, reading, blogging, and authoring saved me. It took a lifetime, but what ends well is good, not the other way around. A friend who was successful much of his life is now stuck in a complex, painful marriage. That tragic ending cancels so much the good in his life.

A troubling question that took a long time to resolve is how do you feel cared for and loved when you were not cared for and loved? How do you learn to love when you were born into nonbonded infancy and childhood –an insecure attachment?

Affective Love and CARE

Affective Love & Care

At a rational level, we choose unconditional self-acceptance (UCSA). Rational because we are the deciders. We can choose to accept ourselves unconditionally, to accept ourselves with conditions, or not accept ourselves at all. If we are the deciders, why wouldn’t we decide to accept ourselves unconditionally? The answer has much to do with affect.

Affect ––prime feeling, emotion –– circumvents rational thinking. Though it is rational to accept ourselves unconditionally, we are irrational beings. Some of us make the irrational choice not to accept ourselves or to accept ourselves on conditions. We listen to the charged negative self-talk and make the irrational choice. Cognitive-Behavior Therapy on its own may be ineffective. You may need to add affective input,  “I accept Name as you are.”  Even, “I love you, Name.”

Sounds over the top, but affective input trumps rational input. And the more you input affect, the more it takes hold in the neural substrate of your brain. You not only accept yourself more and more, but you free yourself from dependency on others. You can accept yourself, and love yourself independent of others. And in the process, you become more attractive to others. It is effective on many levels.

It is difficult to express how to input affect, since affect is wordless.  After practicing aikido for five years, I suddenly understood “Ki.” It came in an epiphany when my arms were held locked behind my back by two opponents. I relaxed completely, let my weight fall low in my body and didn’t attempt to get free with strength. Instead, a surge of affect rose through my body as my arms slowly lifted and my two opponents spun around behind me to the ground.

That surge of wordless feeling is the Ki in aikido. The wordless feeling is affect. You need to keep saying the words, “I accept you, Name as you are.” And Name I love you.” Say that in any phrasing that fits. Say that day after day until you relax completely into the surge of Ki. You will know when you need to say this the most and those times may be most effective.  Ki Breathing Meditation is affect that works its way up or down your body and fills you. You move it to parts of your body by focusing on that part. Breathe emotively with the four basic principles of Ki. Go deep into this relaxed space.

Self-help books that help:

Total Self-Renewal through Attention Therapies and Open Focus

The Open-Focus Brain: Harnessing the Power of Attention to Heal Mind and Body