Just 45 Bits of Brain Allotted to Focus

I read Albert Ellis’s books and listened over and over to his tapes, yet I was a raging monster. I felt a part or maybe most of my brain was not rational and could not be reached by Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy(REBT).

It is not that I don’t understand the concepts. Nothing in REBT is difficult to understand. And it is not that I disagree with the concepts. Everything about Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) makes perfect sense. It is about the conflict between rational beliefs and irrational beliefs; holding both in mind. The irrational belief overpowers because it is the emotional belief and emotions overpower the rational mind.

How do you give your 45 bits of attention to CBT? I can focus on my breath for brief periods. But when I try focusing on CBT, nothing to give my attention over to. Nothing substantial readily comes to mind.

 

I can give my attention to REBT or Cognitive Therapy (CBT) by reading books by Albert Ellis and Albert Beck. I can give full attention – very little – for several minutes. Little by little, bit by bit CBT finally begins to take hold. REBT focuses on shifting attention from the activating event (A) to beliefs, irrational beliefs (iB) then to rational beliefs (rB).

An activating event (A) for me is when my wife does not listen to or hear what I am saying. At iB I feel she does not care enough about me to listen. So I can shift to rB and think, oh, like everyone she has other things on her mind that concern her. On top of that, she is Japanese, and listening to English can be a strain to keep up.

I tell my wife to repeat what she hears me say and this is the only way she will learn to listen. but she doesn’t do this. So this is another Activating Event, another A. At iB I think if she loved me she would realize how not repeating what I say upsets me, kills me. Then at rB, I realize that she is just like me and forgets. For example, I know Ki Breathing Meditation helps me immensely physically and mentally, but I forget. When I remember to Ki Breathe, I do, but there are myriad other things that grab hold of my 45 bits of attention.

When my wife doesn’t hear what I am saying, I get angry. Anger lingers on because emotions have a half-life. So the lingering angry half-life makes me cling to my iBs and ratchets anger up to rage. 

I need to remind myself of anger’s half-life and to replace irrational thoughts with rational thoughts until the anger has the chance to subside. But in the heat of the moment, I am convinced the anger means my iBs are right. CT is a therapy that helps me after the fact, but not in the heat of it all. CT should help me calm down, but my cognitive dissonance is “resolved” instantaneously, not with the rational belief, but with the iB that she is mean, does not respect me at all, and does not care enough about me to try to help.

REBT and Attachment Therapy

On the surface, differences between Attachment Theory and Rational-Emotive-Behavior Therapy (REBT) are irreconcilable. Attachment Theory attributes adjustment/maladjustment to the mother-child relationship very early on; warm, loving, accepting, supportive mother versus cold, neglecting, rejecting mother.

The focus of Albert Ellis’s REBT is on what you are telling yourself now. The Activating Event (A) is not the main cause of Emotional-Behavioral Consequences (C). Emotional-Behavioral consequences are more directly affected by (B), beliefs, rational or irrational. Rational beliefs (rBs) serve self-interest and goals; irrational beliefs (iBs) work against self-interest and goals.

According to Ellis, your early childhood experiences and past conditioning do not originally make you disturbed. The Activating Event (A) does not directly cause Consequences (C). Your beliefs cause C. If your mother was cold and rejecting (A) and you felt miserable (C), it was your beliefs about A that caused you to feel miserable at C. Though A contributes to C, it never really causes C. In an interview with Ellis, he said he realized early on that his mother was crazy and with that realization, he was no longer bothered by her words and actions.

Though Ellis appears to be contradicting the core principal of Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, surely, he could not have meant that a one or two-year-old child can control his feelings of parental rejection. No, Ellis offers a perspective to look back on childhood. If the child were able to think rationally, she/he would realize that although it would be much better if Mother acted warmly, she/he does not need her to do so. She/he would realize that her coldness (A) is not what is causing her/him to feel miserable. It is her/his irrational belief (iB) that she must treat her/him warmly that is the major cause of her/his distress. 

This perspective helps to stop reliving your childhood; to stop saying that is why I am who I am today and I can’t do much to change that. Because I never felt the love of my mother as a child, I will go on in this screwed up painful state now as an adult. Ellis would want you to challenge memories of past events as they apply to your present adult life so that you can choose not to keep these beliefs vibrant today. 

iB: You are saying you not only want your mother’s approval, but you need it. You must have it. Because you never felt the love of your mother as a child, you will go on in this screwed up painful state now as an adult.

rB: I want my mother’s love, but I do not need it.

Ellis is saying you need to stop actively holding on to childhood beliefs. Rethink and react against these iBs until you no longer use them to upset yourself today. You can acknowledge your mother’s cold behavior and at the same time accept that you are now creating your miserable feelings. 

This does not blame the child for having these beliefs. It is an admission of irrational thinking today that is holding you back. It is about exploring what you are doing now to cause your upset feelings and to work to make changes in thinking right now that will better serve your interests and goals.

Counseling the Child Within

This involves convincing him/her that he/she is making her/himself miserable. Your mother/father was cold, unsupportive, and non-nurturing. At the same time, it is your iBs that you can’t stand her/his coldness and absolutely need and must have his/her love and nurturance.

You arm your child self with rational beliefs (rBs) rB: “I would prefer my mother acting warmly and nurturing, but this is her problem and not mine. I can make close friends, even find myself a substitute mother/father in a teacher at school, at extracurricular events, or the parents of a friend. I can study hard and do well with or without her nurturance.”

You counsel your childhood self to replace harmful iBs with helpful rBs. 

iBs: My mother was cold and non-nurturing. I will be screwed up and unable to form social or intimate relationships. I am pissed off and would like to go back and blow her brains out. 

Substitute rBs: My mother was a young woman with no preparation for marriage, child-rearing, or the situation she would find herself in. Her mother might have been distant and not nurturing to her. I would have liked my mother to love and nurture me, but she was a woman with difficult problems. I don’t need her to have been accepting and nurturing. I will work at mental fitness as much as physical fitness. I will work at accepting myself and choose not to be constrained by childhood beliefs.

Each time iBs surface, actively challenge and dispute them. At the same time acknowledge life does not have to be free of hassles and mental conflicts. 

In more than 75 books, Ellis offers examples of iBs and how to deal with them in every aspect of life. The REBT method never changes. “A” for Activating Events; “B” for Beliefs, rBs (rational) and iBs (irrational); “C” for Consequences of iBs; “D” for Disputing iBs; and G for Goals that are blocked by iBs.

Of course, I never will be free of hassles and mental conflicts, but I can lead an enjoyable life and learn from these past, present, and future hassles and mental conflicts.

For those like me, though, with serious mental problems, REBT and CT are adjunct therapies and will be effective only as such. Early childhood adversity triggers a life of subcortical emotional triggers and the core therapy needs to focus on subcortical emotional issues. But as adjunct therapies, they are essential.

Stop Musturbating! Don’t Should on Yourself!

According to REBT, whenever you think of the present or past and you feel upset or act “self-defeatingly”, look for an irrational must (musterbation), should, or ought. “He/she should never have said that behind my back. It was terrible for him/her to do that. He/she must never do it again. He/she should not treat me like that when I am so good to him/her. I must never get upset when he/she treats me poorly.”

When you uncover the musts and shoulds, look for the “catastrophizing” that usually accompanies them: “awfulizing, horribleizing, terribleizing, cant stand-it-itis.”

If you get upset and miserable because of the anxiety, depression, and guilt, these are the second and third level arrows in REBT. Acknowledge you are feeling upset, depressed, anxious, or guilty, etc. You create these feelings by reacting to your reactions to your initial, primary iBs. You create your secondary iBs in the same way as the primary iBs. And since you create them, you have the ability to work at changing them. Challenge and dispute the secondary iBs just as you challenge and dispute the original primary iBs.

Look for the musts and shoulds with the secondary beliefs. Stop “musturbating.” “I must not be so upset and anxious. It’s terrible that I panic like this.” As Ellis liked to put it, 

Ask where is it writ that you should not be that upset or that anxious. It is uncomfortable and you don’t like it, but that is the world we react to.

Feelings: Appropriate/Inappropriate

With REBT, strong feelings of sadness, irritation, and concern are considered appropriate and healthy. They help to express displeasure at undesirable happenings and allow you to work at modifying them.

But feelings of depression, anger, and anxiety are usually harmful and inappropriate. They stem from unrealistic commands that unpleasant events absolutely must not exist, and these commands usually interfere with changing or modifying unpleasant events when they do exist.

If you feel disappointment and regret about your boss passing you over for a position, you will be more likely to attempt to find out why you have been passed over and perhaps explore alone, or together with a trusted coworker, what you can do that might help you to be considered for a slot in the future. 

It is appropriate even to abhor the injustice of being passed over, but at the same time being determined to fight against it. If however, you feel panic, depression, and rage about not being chosen and obsess over it, lose confidence, and not take steps that may help you when a future position comes up, this does not serve you and so is inappropriate. You choose, albeit not easily, between being greatly displeased, but determined to act against unfairness, or being angry, enraged, and inactive and feeling helpless. 

You “create” both appropriate and inappropriate feelings when your goals and desires are blocked. Inappropriate feelings stem from commanding, dictatorial thoughts, such as, “I absolutely must get this position. It is unfair and I cannot stand injustice. My boss should not behave that way to me. I have to put an end to this and must be treated fairly.” The goal of REBT is to work at changing inappropriate harmful feelings to more appropriate desires, wishes, and preferences that overall help you to achieve and not sabotage your goals. As Ellis would say, stop the “musterbation.”

Most of us don’t have a therapist available at any time of day or night. Ellis is as real in his writing as he is in person and perhaps more so in the audio recordings of his Friday night workshops. It takes time for REBT to sink in and become a functional part of your Narrator. Read a page or so from one of his books as a part of a daily mind-lifting routine.

Unconditional Self-Acceptance

You are the only one who can unconditionally accept yourself. It is irrational to put preconditions on fully accepting who you are when you can choose to accept yourself unconditionally. You can choose not to, but the choice is irrational. It is not rational to choose anything that keeps you from working on a philosophy of self-acceptance and self-actualization.

Unconditional self-acceptance is essential to well-being and peace of mind. Others may or may not accept you and may put you down. It is essential that you accept yourself, though, without preconditions. When you set conditions for acceptance, you accept yourself when you do well or when others rate you highly, praise you, and seem to accept you. But accepting yourself with preconditions means, for example, unless you do well and others accept you, you do not fully accept yourself. You put up roadblocks blocking growth.

Some of these roadblocks are shoulds, oughts, musts, commands, and demands, implicitly or explicitly governing our lives. We want to be competent, accepted, and appreciated. We want praise and good performance ratings. We want to be loved by our families. But turning these wants into preconditions for self-acceptance stacks the deck against us and sets us up for suffering.

Letting go of preconditions for self-acceptance does not mean we no longer want to be competent, accepted, and appreciated. We all want all this and most of us want more. We want a great body, success, and an abundance of wealth. Suffering in the form of anxiety, depression, and stress comes from replacing wants to conditions for self-acceptance. 

Choosing to accept yourself and be as happy as you can, warts and all is philosophically sound. Choosing not to accept yourself, though also philosophically sound, is an irrational choice since non-acceptance or preconditioned self-acceptance blocks your goal of an enjoyable life.

It is not easy, but you absolutely can do this. You can accept all the parts of your body as a part of a unique you. It is not easy, but it is essential. When you learn to accept yourself unconditionally, legs, butt, chest, breasts, nose lips, face, hair (or lack of), this will be a major step toward a solid foundation of mental health. No one can tell you how to do this. You must find the way.

Others will define you. They will say you should be this and shouldn’t be that. They will ask why you are so fat or thin. Why you are so effeminate or macho.

Well, they’ll stone you when you walk all alone

They’ll stone you when you are walking home

They’ll stone you and then say you are brave

They’ll stone you when you are set down in your grave

But I would not feel so all alone

Everybody must get stoned

Bob Dylan

It took me seventy years. Then it took an instant. I could have accepted myself unconditionally in any prior instant of my life. Amazing. Or as Albert Ellis phrased it, 

Fucked up, fallible human beings.

Unconditionally Accepting Others

It is hard enough to unconditionally accept ourselves. It is really difficult and maybe impossible to unconditionally accept others. But letting go of hating and blaming is unburdening a load that makes this life easier.

You can sit around all day and blame others for the suffering you have endured and are continuing to endure. It is not a good idea, though, because the more you do this the more you will continue feeling lousy. If you want to feel good more of the time, you need to attempt to begin to practice letting go of hate and blame. It takes lots of doing, over and over. It’s at least somewhat doable!

Rational Emotive Self-Talk (REST) Script #1

No matter how or when I acquired my irrational beliefs and habits, I now, in the present, choose to maintain them and that is why I am now disturbed. Poor conditions in the past and present affect me, but they don’t disturb me. My present philosophy creates my current disturbance.

It is not easy to let go of blaming and damning. It is a pattern of thinking that is easy to fall back on. But if there is comfort, it is short-lived. The long-lasting hatred, anger, and mental and physical upset and discomfort put you on the negative side of the scale of equanimity.

REST Script #2

I accept the fact that though conditions in my life are not as comfortable and free from hassle as I would like them to be, that’s the way things are and will most likely continue to be. It’s not awful or horrible and I can stand it and will continue to stand it.

We want things to be comfortable and free of hassle. But the Buddhists got it pretty much right. We are all suffering. Even the people who seem to have it all are suffering. Just when you think you have it made, life beans you with a fastball. It takes ongoing awareness to maintain our welfare. What is important is to not slip into self-defeating states of mind and stack the deck against you.

REST Script #3

Anything I choose to believe, I can choose not to believe, even though I have been strongly indoctrinated, and now indoctrinate myself.

REST Script #4

I am never an incompetent or rotten person for making myself anxious and making myself anxious about my anxiety. I am merely a person who has some unfortunate philosophies that I can work at changing.

As Ellis liked to say, 

No matter how badly I inconvenience and handicap myself with feelings of stress and panic, they are only that, inconvenient. Never awful or horrible! Only, a royal pain in the neck!

If it helps, make your own scripts.

Just Do It!

Early on, Ellis said, “Do it and emotions will follow.” This was his advice as to intimacy when the feeling is gone.

When an ultra-orthodox rabbi approaches a Jew in a mall, rather than tell them to come to learn about Judaism, he has them put on tefillin right then and there. Tefillin or phylacteries are a small set of leather boxes containing parchment inscribed with verses from the Torah. One box is placed above the elbow of the left arm, with a thin leather strap wound around the forearm and hand. The other box is placed on the forehead. The point is to start with the action, not talking or learning about the meaning of the action. It is not necessary to believe in God; it is necessary to go through the physical motions.

Does REBT Work?

When I was in Japan, a Japanese friend read my book and said REBT doesn’t work. Does reading a book about maestros make you a musician? A change in the way you think by changing self-defeating beliefs and indoctrinating yourself with beliefs that bring better results is an ongoing lifetime process. We humans are not rational beings. It takes conscious effort to think even a bit more rationally. Like pure drops of water falling into a bucket of dirty, clouded water, drip by drip the dirty water is replaced by the pure water. But there is always more dirty water to be replaced.

So many self-help books explicitly or implicitly promise major change within a short time. I have devoted my life to exploring mental and physical fitness and I have not found a program that comes through on that promise. Mental and physical fitness are lifetime commitments, not a short-term fix. If you stop working, you slide. That is not the message most people want to hear and not a message that sells books.

If you routinely workout and pick up helpful tips along the way, you gradually will get in shape. The same for mental fitness. It is a lifetime commitment to get and stay in good mental shape.

But there is no fitness center for mental fitness. It is not easy to get in good mental shape. We are in the dark ages. I combine Bibliotherapy, Metacognitive Therapy, Attention Training Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, Open-Focus Training, and Ki Meditation Breathing. Sounds like a lot, but it takes little to no extra time off my day. It leaves virtually no time for rumination, for repetitive churning worrisome thoughts that awaken and feed the monster.

Self-help books that help:

Total Self-Renewal through Attention Therapies and Open Focus

The Open-Focus Brain: Harnessing the Power of Attention to Heal Mind and Body