I’ve dealt with ferocious anger – rage – for much of my life. No therapy could sooth the beast. It was that; a beast, a raging monster.
Compassion for Anger
Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS)
When I first heard about Internal Family Systems IFS therapy I was unimpressed. Talk to your anger where it resides in your body. Ask it questions. Form a relationship to your anger as if it were a person inside of you. Ask your anger if it would be willing to step aside (or relax). If it isn’t willing to step aside, explain to it the value of stepping aside. Or you step back and ask it how it feels and what it is concerned about.
That is just anger. In IFS you get to know all of your other parts in a similar personal manner. Not all of the parts, but parts that may be involved in your problem. You discover these parts by exploring trailheads. A trailhead is an experience or a difficulty in your life that will lead you to interesting parts if you follow it. Sort of like following a trail with arrow signs.
It all fell into place when I read a book by the author, Richard C. Schwartz —“Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model” — and founder of IFS. In the book, he shows why you need to get to know your anger and have compassion for it so that it can separate from your Self. When your self is “Blended” with your Self, you identify with your anger as if it is your Self. Then, you not only hate your anger, but you hate your Self.
self vs Self
But the anger is not your Self. Perhaps it is the accosted little girl who now is protecting you from that ever happening again. You don’t want to hate your protector. It is a part of you, an entity, a self that is attempting to protect your Self. With this understanding, you can begin to have compassion and empathy for your anger and the little girl self inside you. But you want it to be able to step back and separate your anger from your Self.
You have many selves or entities within your Self. Some oppose each other. Some are protecting a vulnerable self. They are trying their best to keep you safe, but they may be stuck in the past. As these selves separate from your Self, you gradually experience the strengths of your Self; compassion, empathy, and curiosity. When a part won’t step back, though, you do not try to force the self. Instead, you ask the part why it is afraid to separate. Often it has good reason not to — reasons that need to be addressed until those parts feel satisfied that the feared consequence won’t happen or can be handled in a safe manner.
Schwartz says this is very much like Buddhist Vipassana Meditation. You sit or walk and allow thoughts, feelings, and emotions to pass through like clouds. You can question these thoughts, feelings, and emotions much like in IFS, without trying to change them.
Compassionate Pluralism
In IFS, there is never a need to pressure or plead with the entities or selves to change. You listen to, reassure, and ask permission. They are trying to keep you safe, even if their attempts sometimes feel unnecessarily stifling or destructive. Schwarz says that reading his book is a subversive activity. “It aims to help you replace your authoritarian inner government with a form of pluralism in which each part feels appreciated, is free to do what it prefers, and trusts the noncoercive, heart-centered leadership of your Self.” (Sounds like a great place to work.)
Empathy
Here is another technique of dealing of dealing with your anger though empathy. After you have had difficulty with someone important in your life, such as an argument with a spouse, partner, sibling, friend, worker, you relive the episode, identifying with the other person. If you succeed, you can see the world, and that includes yourself, from a fresh even surprising viewpoint.
And little by little by little we can develop “precompassion.” First comes empathy, then compassion. Compassion is the result of empathy. It opens and unites us to others.
Self-help books that help:
Total Self-Renewal through Attention Therapies and Open Focus
The Open-Focus Brain: Harnessing the Power of Attention to Heal Mind and Body
