Rational-Emotive Self-Talk (REST) is part of the title of a book I wrote published in Japanese in 2002. I was reminded of it when I read a blog post by “Charles” from a PTSD blog I subscribe to.
Q
Charles posts, “I’ve been a member for a week now I guess and I’ve read several posts with answers I really needed as well. So here goes my questions.
My question is how do you deal with a narcissistic parent who is basically stuck in your life because she needs help due to physical disabilities and now starting mental disabilities?
Thank you in advance for your advice.”
Crazy-Mama, Public Domain Image
A
“Thank you for your question!” answers a blog member. “Try to remember that we are never stuck in the situation that we are in, even though it can be challenging to do (and to hear) we can always change our situations. There is always a way out, we just have to find it and be strong enough to take that path. We are in control of our future. 100%! Hope this helps, sending love and positive vibes.”
“Throw Mama From the Train”
“Throw mama from the train (Long Beat) a kiss, a kiss,” was a song by Patti Page in 1956, the year I graduated from high school. But I recall a version by Perry Como, perhaps, with a longer BEAT than Patti’s version. I loved his version!
Charles will hopefully not think of throwing moma from the train. Charles will likely do all he can do to make the best of his situation, but it won’t be easy and change may not be possible. Often, we are not in control, and for sure, not 100%.
I came to terms late in life with my mother by taking her POV (Point of View). I tried to see her as a person and not “Mother.”She married very young. My father was a control freak and caused my brilliant but dominant sister to break down. My mother was not in control of her own and many things caused her to be the woman she was by the time I was born.
REST Script
Here is a REST Script from my book:
Rational-Emotive Self-Talk (REST) Script No. 3:
“Accept the fact that though conditions in my life may not be as comfortable and free from hassles as I would like them to be, that’s the way things are and will most likely continue to be. And it’s not awful or horrible or terrible. And I can stand it and will continue to stand it.”
A REST Script does nothing to alter a situation. If you read it once or twice and try to recall it when things get out of control, you likely will not even think of it again.
Cognitive Therapy
I think of Cognitive Therapy as the intellectual leg of Attention Therapies. But Cognitive Therapy, like Breath Work, Insight Therapy, and Open-Focus, is a long-term process, that I compare to bodybuilding and physical fitness. In a week or even a month, you will not likely see much change.
Cognitive Therapy REST Scripts aid in thinking in a rational way. A rational way of thinking and action will cause you the least harm and keep you on goal.
As Albert Ellis, founder of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy would put it, “People and things do not upset us. Rather, we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us.” Much to unpack here! But thinking this through is a start in the right direction.
Charles might start by reading one of Albert Ellis’s books, perhaps “A New Guide to Rational Living.” And as he reads Cognitive Therapy books, he can make his own Self-Talk Scripts. Day by day, bit by bit, it is like clean water dripping into a barrel of dirty water. In time the water becomes clean.
Charles will not change his mother, but he will think and act in a way that benefits his life within his situation.
Self-help books that help:
Total Self-Renewal through Attention Therapies and Open Focus
The Open-Focus Brain: Harnessing the Power of Attention to Heal Mind and Body
